When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
