I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
