this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
