I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
