i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
