when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
