My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
