What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
