Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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