I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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