Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
