chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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