My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It's never too late to be topless.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
