I'm going to jail i love you
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
