I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
