just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
