youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I have post one night stand depression
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