Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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