You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
