Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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