I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
