My cat gives me a boner
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
