dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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