I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
