Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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