Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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