she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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