Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's never too late to be topless.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
