The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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