So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
