The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
