My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
