please come you make the beer taste better
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
