saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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