i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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