So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
