brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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