And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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