Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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