I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
