im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
