five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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