I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I didn't shave. On purpose
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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