I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
