Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
