I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
