Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
