the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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