I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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