theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
nutella sex= disaster
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
