Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
